Heartbeat in the Brain

College Writing 101

2005-05-10T13:11:00.000-04:00

This assignment was written during the ten minutes before class. I got a 7 out of 10.

Assignment: Use ten examples from any one media form (television, songs, books or newspaper articles). Write one paragraph for each example on how it addresses relationships. Use key terms from your text.

Wizard of Gore
Individual Project Ten
Spring ’05

Mass Media and Interpersonal Relationships

Group/Song

Devo/Smart Patrol, Mr. DNA
Devo is a group of spud boys who are, very simply, looking for the real tomato. They’re future automatons who have been sent back in time to 1978 Cleveland to make weird punk rock, grainy short films, advise past nerds on scoring, and de-evolutionize the living shit out of planet Earth. Smart Patrol tells the listener that even though they’re not popular they’ll one day meet a bookish girl who likes them for who they are… and that the cool kids are "Jocko Homos." This music got me through middle school.

Black Flag/TV Party
More punk posturing. Greg, Henry and Robo have written a song urging the listener to disrespect authority, break their televisions, and probably skate or die (not entirely certain about that one). These jams teach us that the only interpersonal relationships worth having are with people under thirty who listen to cool music, having diaper pins in their noses and don’t watch Saturday Night Live. Once again, this angry stuff really had me rocking in my converse.

Otis Redding/I’ve Been Loving You (Too Long to Stop Now)
This song is like a swatch of thick black velvet that you got as a sample from the home goods store, and accidentally spilled butterscotch all over. It teaches the listener that if he were a smooth black man like Otis Redding he could have any woman he wanted, but since he’s not he should just play this track on the way home from a dinner date. Further, Otis helps the listener understand the power and importance of love, and that sometimes it makes you scream into the microphone.

U2/Until the End of the World
"I was drowning in sorrows, but my sorrows they learned to swim. Surrounding me, going down on me, and spilling over the brim." What does that mean? If I had to guess I’d say this song is about how Bono got wrecked by a really crazy girl at a garden party. I suppose this song teaches that Bono will kiss the lipstick off your teeth, if you let him.

Fleetwood Mac/Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow
Wow, this is one of my all time favorites. It reminds me of Bill Clinton eating at a fundraiser. This song is about how even though Stevie Nicks can’t hold her cocaine anymore she and the rest of us need to get over it, keep our chins up, and look to that big bright future. Anyway, this band would have been better if they only allowed the skinny woman to sing.

Luna/Fuzzy Wuzzy
This song is all about how sometimes you need to to wicked crass to make a girl get down with you. Dean takes a shy girl back to his apartment and straight up asks her to show him the fuzzy wuzzy. It’s filthy, but it worked for him I guess. I have no clue to be honest with you.

The Steve Miller Band/The Joker
This song tells the listener to quit sweating Steve Miller and just recognize that he’s a midnight toker, and if he wouldn’t change for his mother he sure as hell won’t change for you. It appeals to any and every person that has the man on their case. It teaches us to just relax, except ourselves for who we are, and tell everyone else to step back, like five feet.
I hate this song.

Wings/Band on the Run
I don’t think I’ve even heard this song, but it probably addresses the same freedom issues as the Joker. There’s something about a jailer in the lyrics, right? All these classic rock songs are stupid.

Joy Division/Transmission
Ian Curtis hated living enough to hang himself in the kitchen, and sometimes he wrote songs about it. This one has the same punk rock elements I mentioned earlier, but it’s heavier, and makes you want to cause car accidents. Ian soothes your dark moods, and makes you look like a chump for not having the balls to kill yourself like he did.

Le Tigre/Deceptacon
This song is about militant lesbian rights and pride. It teaches the listener not to mess with girlboys because they’ll cut you in half. It also lets girls with facial hair know it’s okay to let it grow and not be embarrassed about it.

BONUS:

The following question appeared on the final exam:

List and describe the four categories of conflict as discussed in class.

This is the best I could do,

1. Organizational
2. Mom vs. Dad

Bullet With Barfly Wings

2005-05-03T11:51:00.000-04:00

I’ve had conversations I’m not proud of. For instance, last night I talked with "Acoustic Guitar Brian" for a full ten minutes after his set of Smashing Pumpkins covers. Brian doesn’t carry a lighter and considers himself "probably the biggest Smashing Pumpkins fan in Connecticut." A more thoughtful self-appraisal might have skipped his fondness for the creepy bitches of nineties rock, to reveal a man overflowing with hate. A.G.B. hates people, he hates discourse, he hates ears and music, and he punishes each with a devastating force not matched since the firebombing of Osaka. Homeboy didn’t want any confusion so he listed his favorite Pumpkins songs for listening first, and then his favorite Pumpkins songs for playing. Plus, he’s got the dedication. People told him that he’d grow out of the Pumpkins, that he’d lose interest and listen to new stuff, well eight years on and he’s still rocking the Siamese Dream at least twice a week. The conversation finally ended when I told him this is the only music I’m really into.

I was out to give maximum respect to Tom and Justin at their acoustic open mic debut and drink no more than four but no fewer than two beers. In the end I only met one of those goals. The lads (I’m their Brian Epstein now) followed a KORG tickling twizzler armed white guy who turned the PA way too high and jammed a couple of high octane Prince covers. The crowd totally lost their shit during Kiss when a drummer and guitarist, both of who were dorks, joined the keyboarder on stage. Eventually, Tom and Justin came on, slow cored it up, and bummed everybody the fuck out. Their songs were strong, and unlike the demos I’d heard, playing out you could actually hear what Justin is singing. It’s a pity the audience didn’t go as bananas for them as they did, say… the English teacher looking slam poet girl, but as A.G.B. proved earlier, good taste is in short supply.

In related night out news, I was once again the victim of a hot girl fake out. That being: a beautiful girl very obviously checking me out, smiling, staring even. I strike up a conversation only to find that she’s smiling because she recognizes me from high school or borders or something, and then I get introduced to her boyfriend who was either getting beer or in the bathroom. Last night the culprit was Tess "the Chest" Latcha who worked at Bazillions and went to Northwest with Herr Dreck. When I told her I thought she was staring because I'm so handsome she started to laugh.

Bummer.

Edit: This post was written to hastily, and I neglected to make some points as clear.

1. Declaring myself Tom and Justin’s Brain Epstein does not mean I manage the band, only that I hang out with them a lot and that I’m gay for them.

2. The Blank and Starlet were really good. Seventy percent of their demos are really good and the other twenty-five percent are good. The only thing that would have helped the performance is if Tom grew dreadlocks and Justin got a single cat’s eye contact lens. I tried not to gush in the first post, but I’ve got to be true to my opinion and let it out.

Buddyhead Knows Best

2005-05-01T16:58:00.000-04:00

I've been meaning to e-mail this list to Tom and Neil, but I thought I'd just make it a post instead, so that everyone can enjoy it.

Buddyhead’s Rules of Rock
For anyone in a band or anyone who wants to be in a band

1. Don't misspell any words in your band's name. Many bands opt to switch the letter 'I' for the letter 'y'. This is cool if you're into everyone with 1/8 to 1/6 a brain assuming that you are a crappy jock/rap/metal band. For instance, Limp Bizkit, Strait Up, and Korn are all these type of bands. Are any of them good? Check and mate.

2. Avoid using food products in your band's name. Chances are you'll misspell it anyways. Also, chances are you'll pick some crappy food over a tasty one.

3. Don't wear your band's own shirts. No exceptions or excuses accepted. Don't think the "but I'm on tour and we haven't been able to wash our clothes, it's the only thing clean I had to wear" story is gonna fly… wear the dirty shirt, you're a rocker my friend.

4. Don't play reggae unless you are in Bad Brains.

5. Cowboy hats are for cowboys only. That is why they are called cowboy hats. You aren't Madonna nor are you trend setting. And unless your main transportation is a horse just don't wear a cowboy hat, or you're a total poser cowboy.

6. This one here is a no brainer and it's mainly, but not solely, directed towards the ska bands. DO NOT insert the name of your genre, or something related to your genre into your band's name. You don't see any good bands attempt this. (except Metallica, but they have songs about satan so it's cool) The best solution to this problem is to not start a ska band in the first place, cos not only are ska bands just itching to break this rule and prove their dorkdom, but nobody's scoring gash with a ska band anyway.

7. Avoid using the words theory, project, or plan in the title of your band name.

8. Don't play funk. Don't even joke about playing funk.

9. Mc Hammer pants aren't cool anymore, don't wear them. Yeah, Fred, we're talking to you.

10. Visors on band members (or anyone for that matter) earn yourself a bitch slap. If you have your visor sideways, upside down, or both your penalty increases to additional groin area pummeling.

11. For shows, props are generally a bad idea. They usually stimulate the audience's what-the-hell sensors. If you do decide to use one, make sure it's small and you don't spend most of your time playing with it. Unless of course you are the Beastie Boys, it's 1986, you're opening for Madonna, and you have a giant two story penis on stage.

12. If your band has a cozy fan base of say, five, skip out on the huge rock star banner. It is key to grasp the idea that people don't operate on the if-they-have-a-banner-they-have-to-be-good mentality.

13. Never ever have all members wear the same shirt. This is a ridiculous concept and should not be explained.

14. If you're playing your hometown, don't say, "What's up (town)". This phrase is reserved for the out of town and/or touring bands. You might make them mad by stealing their pep speech.

15. If you're playing outside of your hometown, don't say, "What's up (town)". This phrase screams shoot me in the face.

16. Preaching is for church, shut up and rock.

17. Cordless guitars are only ok if your first name is Eddie, your last name is Van Halen, and you kick ass at playing a guitar with a power drill. If this is not the case, don't venture there.

18. Playing your guitar up by your neck makes you look like a geek. Period. If you need an example, take a cue from a few of the greats… look at Slash's guitar height, or maybe take a peek at where Duff let the bass rest, or possibly look at just how low Krist Noviselic rode his rock axe.

19. If you play bass make sure you have only 4 strings. If you play guitar make sure you only have 6 or less. If you play drums know that if your set looks like something Tommy Lee would play while hanging upside down, you are a jackass. You don't need 12 cymbals fruitcake.

20. Gold hardware and/or wood stained anything is a no-no. Ditto for neon anything.

21. White cordless mics were used by Vanilla Ice, don't travel the same road.

22. Unless you are an immortal rock god, spitting or throwing water into the crowd instantaneously eliminates any chance you had at getting laid that night. It may ensure you getting your ass kicked though.

23. Covering new wave songs, oldies, or current Top 40 songs means your band sucks mad horse dong. The "hey wouldn't it be funny to cover that N'sync song and make it punk" idea is about as funny as a knee to the crotch.

24. If all of your songs are about how much you miss your girlfriend, do us all a favor and instead of touring, stay home geek.

25. Kick out the fat guy, he's the reason you are never gonna be big.

26. If you're fat, kick yourself out, you're blowing it for the rest of the band.

27. If you're a metal band, make sure that you are a metal band before you say you are a metal band. A pretty fool proof test is to ask yourself if you think Rob Halford would be into your band back in the days when Judas Priest was the shit.

28. If you have a DJ make sure he at least has two turntables. We actually recommend no DJ, but if you gotta go there...

29. We take that back. No DJ's. This DJ in bands shit has to stop now.

30. Shave. Beards = blowing it.

31. Don't wear backwards baseball caps, unless you're the Beastie Boys.

32. Use a pick. If you play slap bass you need your fingers broken.

33. Don't tell the crowd what they can and can't do. You're not in Fugazi. If you want to be a cop, get off the stage and go join the police academy champ.

34. Unless you're the headliner you shouldn't be playing hour and a half sets, keep it short. The idea that, "Hey these people don't seem to like us, maybe they just didn't like those songs, let's play some more until we play one they like" is never accurate. Get off the stage. We want to go home.

Buddyhead’s Rules for Audiences of Rock

1. Don't sing if you aren't one of the dudes on stage getting paid to do it. Nobody paid their hard-earned money to hear your dorky, untalented ass sing. We came to hear the dudes on stage sing. Paying 40 bucks to go see Tool, but instead of hearing Maynard, you get the dorkus malorkus with mad zits standing next to you singing "Sober" really loudly and out of key in your ear is enough to murder mother fuckers for.

2. Also, if the singer on stage does decide to either: pass the mic around for the "sing along" song, or: motion to the audience to sing aloud at key moments, and you know beforehand that your singing ability is severely limited, you MUST waive your "sing along" rights. Leave the crowd participation parts to those that do not fall under the "musically retarded" category.

3. This is possibly the oldest rule in the book… yeah, you know what we're talking about… don't be THAT guy. We KNOW you like the band, that's why you're here, you don't need to wear their SHIRT to their show as well.

4. Also, no wearing shirts of ex-bands either. That means no Nirvana shirts at the Foo Fighters show, no Jawbreaker shirts at the Jets to Brazil show, no Minor Threat shirts at the Fugazi show etc.

5. The "merch guy" is not your friend. In fact, all the merch guy wants to do is get through the night without having to talk to your lame ass. That means that he doesn't want a copy of your weak ass emo band's demo to pass along to the band. The only reason he might talk to you is because you either:

a. Know where to get drugs.

b. Your girlfriend is hot, and by talking to you he can K.G.B. his way into her pants.

c. You are willing to pay him for the time in his life that he's wasted talking about how much he likes the band's first out of print seven inch

d. Know where he can get either drunk or high for free or

e. He's making fun of you. Most likely it's E. In fact, it's mostly E, I mean look at yourself, you're striking up conversation with a merch jockey.

6. Dancing is ok, as long as you don't get all fruity. Air-instruments are NOT ok. That includes: air-guitar, air-drums, air-microphone, air-keyboards, and yes even the air-bass. Don't get me started on air-saxophone.

7. If you yell out "Play some Skynyrd", you deserve immediate castration. This isn't funny unless your name is either Beavis or Butthead. Shut the fuck up, we all know you've never heard Skynard. You think Earth Crisis invented music back in 1990. Don't give somebody another reason to stab you.

8. Don't be the buff steakhead dudes in the Jeep blasting Radiohead as you leave (or enter) the parking lot of the Radiohead show. WE KNOW YOU LIKE THE BAND! THAT'S WHY YOU ARE AT THE FUCKING SHOW CHAMP! HOW MUCH OF ONE BAND DO YOU REALLY NEED?! Actually just don't be the four buff guys in the Jeep at the show… period. This rule applies to everybody. You don't need to listen to the band you're going to see on the way to seeing them.

9. Tall dudes that stand at the front of the stage should have their testicles pureed. You're tall dumb ass, get in the back, or at least back a few rows.

10. Don't yell songs at the band, especially if it's not a super rare song or something. Yelling "ENTER SANDMAN" at the Metallica show is second only in retardation to drooling on yourself and walking really funny with a walker. NO SHIT THEY'RE GONNA PLAY ENTER SANDMAN DUDE. Keep it in your pants, they'll get to it in the 3rd encore. Heckling is ok.

11. Anybody who utters the word MOSH PIT deserves to die.

12. Don't take off your shirt. We know you're sweaty dude, taking off your wife beater isn't going to stop that.

13. Don't be that fat lame bitch that gets crushed at the front of the stage at the barrier. Every time there's a real big show, some grotesquely fat chick thinks it would be swell to get as close to the singer of Blink182 as possible, and that nobody else there has the same idea. 3 songs into the set, the bouncers have to pull her obese fainting ass over the barricade. Don't be this pathetic piece of pasty lard.

14. Don't buy those shirts in the parking lot from the dude who looks homeless… unless your idea of a good fitting shirt is about 1 foot long and 3 feet wide. Oh wait, that probably fits your fat ass perfectly.

15. No making out at shows. Get a room. Unless of course it's a Shat show, then it's ok.

16. People who stand outside the whole time, and never go inside to watch any of the bands should be shot in the face. Yeah bitch, we know you don't really like the music and just use your pseudo post emo look as a social façade to hopefully get laid and shit, but your presence at shows besides annoying everybody and making it harder to move around is useless. Go home and play on the internet and revise your makeout club profile you twat.

17. Don't be that guy who sells your zine at shows. We don't want to hear about your boring life, let alone have to pay money to hear about it.

18. Newsflash for kids starting a new band… it doesn't matter how many flyers you make for that first show you're playing at that coffeehouse… if you pass this flyer out to every last fucker in front of the show, NOBODY WILL CARE AND NOBODY WILL COME. We don't care about Shit Skittle's debut performance brah. It's almost as if the people passing out these flyers assume that people are walking out of the show thinking, "Gee, I really don't have anything to do at all next weekend. I wish there was some shitty show going on somewhere really out of the way with bands I've never ever heard of and don't know what they sound like that I could go to." It's not happening bro and never will. Keep practicing.

19. No crying.

20. When there's a brand new band that a lot of people seem real excited about that features ex members of other cool bands or something, and they don't have any releases out yet, just a demo, or a couple mp3's on their website or something, don't be the jackass at the front of the stage singing all the words. Yeah, yeah, we know you're the geeky super fan who likes these guys way more than everybody else. Just stop it cos you're making everybody want to vomit with your over apparent super fan enthusiasm.

21. "Moshers" who lose shoes, keys, wallets, etc. and then stop their kung fu fighting to try and look for those objects, then get clobbered and fall to the ground…… no wait, keep doing that, it's funny.

22. Sometimes when your favorite band is playing their big hit as their last song, you think it's a good idea and really cool to jump up on the stage and dance with the band. You and about 50 other die-hard geeks. Well… we know you're real enthusiastic about the whole thing, but get your porky and dorky ass off the stage. The band doesn't want you up there that close to their equipment. Get off the stage fruitcake.

23. If you go up and begin conversation with the band while they're loading equipment out at the end of the night and you don't at least offer to help, you deserve to be cut into little fucking pieces. The band wants to get the shit in the van and get the fuck out of your dumb ass corn & wheat truckstop town, and you're not helping matters.

24. Street team people passing out the latest Mudvayne cassette sampler in front of the show should be crucified. Yeah, give me a tape dude. I want a fucking Mudvayne tape.

“Stoney, all you care about is nuggs, chillin’ and RIF*age”

2005-04-29T11:08:00.000-04:00

Technically the end began before I was hired. That was way back on April Fools Day of 2003 when the five partners were escorted out of the building and Jon Gice made his issue zero appearance and took the helm of our outfit. I wasn’t here to see it, although I’ve been told it was a real scene. The new parent company hoped to prevent the partners from fudging any important company business on the way out, so packing up their offices was forbidden and key cards were turned over. Gice announced the company was going into run off, the partners wouldn’t be coming back, and the Christmas Party was cancelled.

I was hired seven months later as a Claims Assistant (read: secretary), and in the seventeen months since my hire I’ve seen more than half the staff get their notice. Actually, the only department that hadn’t been stung by layoffs was claims, and the general attitude was confidence that we’d have our jobs into 2006. Turns out that isn’t the case. At yesterday’s claims department meeting it was announced that all of the Claims Specialist and Program Claim Coordinator positions would be defunct by the end of September. The company has decided to eliminate those positions and replace them with TPA Relationship Managers and another equally ambiguously titled job. All those Specialists and PCCs who’s job are being done away with will have the option of either posting for the newly minted positions or taking their severance at the end of September and hitting the road.

Clearly the plan is to get rid of the department’s dead wood without leaving the company vulnerable to possible charges of wrongful termination. Certain members of the department have made it known that they’d sue for age discrimination, breech of contract, et cetera, if they were laid off. R&SA can avoid all that nasty business by dumping the entire lot, renaming their old jobs and giving them the opportunity to reapply for them. As that guy from Jurassic Park said of the lady Velociraptor, "clever girl."

Luckily, none of the Claims Assistants (as of yesterday the Data Management Team) are presently in jeopardy of losing their jobs, although the head of R&SA Claims has announced that the utility of the Data Management Team will be evaluated shortly after the restructuring.

Meanwhile, the mood is cheerful. There are plenty of folks with ants in their pants to be terminated who are finally satisfied, and the rest seem confident of their chances at getting one of the new titles.

All is well.

*Reduction in Force

Buggy Mail

2005-04-29T09:55:00.000-04:00

-----Original Message-----
From: thuffenstein@hardwork.com
To: info@dunebuggytours.com
Sent: Thu, 28 Apr 2005 10:58:14 -0400
Subject: Dune Buggy Fun

Deer Sirs,

I will be traveling to California at the end of May, and am in search of things to do. I stumbled across your website with a Google search, and I am very interested in your services. I do have a few questions:

Are the dune buggies rented out, or is a guided tour necessary?
I see that your charge for an hour and a half is $35 dollars, is this per person? or per vehicle?
Are sessions longer than 1.5 hours available?

Any information would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

Tubby Huffenstein

-----Reply-----
From: tpar1966@aol.com
To: thuffenstein@hardwork.com
Sent: 04/28/2005 09:26 PM
Subject: Re: Dune Buggy Fun

the dune buggy is a tour we take you into the desert it goes to the
windmill farms sand dunes and a desert oasis the tour is 2 hrs long fast x
fun 35 per person

-----Reply-----
From: thuffenstein@hardwork.com
To: tpar1966@aol.com
Sent: 04/29/2005 09:27 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Dune Buggy Fun
b.c.c: Wizard_Gore@doinstuff.com

gee thanks

Car’tastrophe

2005-04-28T14:57:00.000-04:00

I’ve held off posting about my car trouble since Monday because it isn’t terribly interesting, and until an hour ago remained unresolved, but now that things are a little clearer I’ll dish. After two inspections at as many repair shops the diagnosis is a fuct clutch and the prognosis is copious amounts of loot spilling from my checking account. That’s eleven hundred dollars for a new clutch kit assembly, a clutch cover (not sure what that is), flywheel resurfacing, and (probably) thousands of man-hours labor.

So, the question is whether or not to invest more than the value of the car to have it repaired. I considered unloading the Jetta and buying an eight hundred dollar shit box to make it through the summer, but after surveying the Autotrader listings I’ve changed my mind. Anything I could buy for that amount of money would just end up breaking in a month and over time cost far more than it would to just repair the Jetta. Not to mention the hassle and agony of having to drive all over Connecticut looking at crummy cars and haggling with idiots.

The mechanics at Country Autocare have been very cool about all of this, and agreed with my assessment of the situation. They’re going to take a couple of hours and run a full diagnostic on the beast to see if there’s anything else that’s appears to be on it’s way out and would make fixing the clutch a waste. At the moment I’m sure it needs a new exhaust and a brake job, but both can wait until I get some more money together. They’ve also offered to give me two hundred dollars for it, should I decide not to have it repaired.

Meanwhile, I’ve been cautiously driving my father’s Accord, it’s his “first new car in twenty fucking years” you realize? Thankfully, I’ll be returning it later today as Aidan has very generously offered to lend me his Nissan while I wait out the repairs.

On the P.M.A. tip there were a few semi-cool anecdotes that came out of all this trouble. I was fortunate enough to meet a tow truck driver who was nearly as dumb as Big Bear Lake Gerry, who advised me that my five mile tow at three seventy-five a mile would cost, “uh… about eleven dollars.” He needed to use a magnifying glass to read the information off my drivers license and credit card, which seemed sort of weird for a roughly thirty year old man and professional driver. In the end the magnifying glass wasn’t enough; the tow company called the next morning to get the credit card numbers again because the driver had copied them down wrong.

I was also the almost/not really victim of a repair scam perpetrated by my usual garage, which was where the car was originally towed. Actually, I’m not certain whether it was a scam or just lazy bullshit, but it was definitely annoying. The garage, Schaller Tire, tried to tell me that my entire transmission was destroyed and would need to be replaced. Thanks to the coaching of my co-worker and bona-fide “car dude,” Karl Wolf, I was able get to the bottom of Schaller’s phony estimate. It turns out they hadn’t even put the car on a lift.

Anyway, that’s enough car stuff for at least another eight months.

Bagel Bloopers

2005-04-27T14:33:00.000-04:00

An e-mail exchange to rival the Cookie Swap.

E-mail One from Stacey Baral to WoG
Ok, this is a big one here.
Although I have a feeling it wont be continuing much longer since members are dwindling, if it is decided to be kept going, do you want to be the new Bagel Club Chief in Command? The last date on the calendar is December 10th, and since I'm out of here January 14th, there is no point in me starting a new list, etc...I'd rather pass it off now. So, if it's going to be kept going, are you up for the challenge?

E-mail Two from WoG to Stacey Baral
bagel thing?

E-mail Three from Stacey Baral to WoG
yep, that be it. i'm getting the feeling people are not seeing a point in it anymore since there are 6 of you left,but if you guys do want to continue doing it, i'm going to pass it off to someone else..i'm leaving 1/14 anyway, so if someone else is taking over i can show you what to do in this extremly complicated task now, lol.

E-mail Four from WoG to Stacey Baral
i'm sorry, i don't understand.

E-mail Five from Stacey Baral to WoG
lol...ok.
i'm not doing the bagel club anymore. after 12/10, the calendar stops, unless someone else continues it. do you want to take it over?

E-mail Six from WoG to Stacey Baral
no, i'm in the bagel club right now. doesn't it end soon?

E-mail Seven from Stacey Baral to WoG
yeah, the last date that is on the current calendar is 12/10/04...next week.
do people even want a new calendar after that?

E-mail Eight from WoG to Stacey Baral
huh?

E-mail Nine from Stacey Baral to WoG
nevermind!
lol

E-mail Ten from WoG to Stacey Baral
no, i'm sorry but i'm just not understanding you. you wanted to know if i'm in the bagel club?

E-mail Eleven from Stacey Baral to WoG
no, i know you are in it, but i wanted to know if you wanted to take it over from me. i'm not sure if everyone wants another 6 weeks of it anyway, but since i'm leaving the company in january, i wanted to know if you wanted to take over creating the bagel club list as of now (so you would be making the new list that is dated 12/17).

E-mail Twelve from WoG to Stacey Baral
i understood everything up to here:

"i know you are in it, but i wanted to know if you wanted to take it over from me. i'm not sure if everyone wants another 6 weeks of it anyway, but since i'm leaving the company in january, i wanted to know if you wanted to take over creating the bagel club list as of now (so you would be making the new list that is dated 12/17)."

that part is really confusing.

E-mail Thirteen from Stacey Baral to WoG
ok. lemme try one more time.
the current bagel list ends 12/10. i myself am not creating another one. do you want to be the new bagel list maker? (if the members even want another list made?)

E-mail Fourteen from WoG to Stacey Baral
oh-oh! i get it! no f ucking way dude, i H8 bagel club, ya heard?!

E-mail Fifteen from Stacey Baral to WoG
haha...here i was trying to be funny about it, and i just confused ya even more! lol!! that was pretty funny. :-)

Hot Fun In The Summer Time

2005-04-27T12:44:00.000-04:00

This doesn’t require too much of an introduction. You should know that it was lifted directly from the Tunxis Community College Student Union News (The S.U.N.), and that the person Ms. Motta refers to in the third paragraph is Kurt Wilson.

A Color, a Cheese, a Verb… and a Club

By Mellissa Motta

What is your first immediate thought when someone says the word "blue"? You may think sad, dreary or boring. Well, take it all back and think again. Turn the word "blue" into just "Blu" and you’ve got the hottest dance club around.

There is nothing sad about this club except for closing time. I’m sure you have all walked out to your car after class and, on more than one occasion, have seen a flyer advertising this club. These are direct invitations to go dance the night away. When you get a coupon in the mail for a discount at the mall don’t you go shopping? So why not take the flyer to a college night party at Blu and get discounted admission?

Thursday nights are college night every week with all your favorite beats from WZMX 93.7, WKSS 95.7 and all the other stations programmed in your car. If they are not, they should be! If you’re that person I see be-bopping to the tunes on your car radio, or jammin’ to the beats of your favorite CD, then turn that car around and really dance to the music out on the dance floor. Girls, you could even get in for free before ten-thirty, if you go on Saturday nights.

So, the next time you’re feeling overwhelmed with homework and studying, grab a couple of friends and cruise to Blu, located on Asylum Street in Hartford, for a great night of dancing.

Cinema Scat

2005-04-27T12:12:00.000-04:00

Blogs suck because it’s mostly just reading other people’s opinions. I haven’t respected another persons opinion since I was six and my Grandfather told me a wise and funny joke about an opinion with an asshole (I can’t really remember), and so I’m sort of ruined for bloggin’. However, that’s just me and I know a lot of you enjoy this opinion stuff, so I’ve included a few. Below you’ll find point/counter point style film reviews of two-year old movies written by a pair of bosom brothers who only recently learned English. I hope reading this post is the last thing you remember before dying.

The Village

Montgomery Caubins: I think this movie was super cool. If you haven't seen it, definitely see it. Everybody thinks its gonna be a scary movie but it totally isn’t, and Bryce Dallas Howard (the main girl character) is totally hot.

Tubby Huffenstein: super fucking let down, not what i wanted it to be, M Night is a faggot and should be shot, but not bad.

Garden State

Montgomery Caubins: Really good movie, really funny and serious at times. I think Natalie Portman is hot too. Pick this one up at your local blockbuster too.

Tubby Huffenstein: natalie portman is fucking annoying and hot. zach is a fucking wierd looking jew.

I, Robot

Montgomery Caubins: It was ok for a Will Smith movie. The girl that's in the movie with him is wicked hot. This movie in combination with the terminator series makes me hope that there are never ever robots in my lifetime.

Tubby Huffenstein: now were fucking talkin', big willy style. bridget moynahan is fucking wicked hot as a shy dorky scientist bitch. see this and get fucked by a robot.

Stevie

Montgomery Caubins: A documentary about a really fucked up redneck named Steve who is going on trial for molesting his niece. Really weird shit and this dude is crazy. This movie is made by his big brother (from the big brother program, not like from the same mother) after not having seen him for ten years. Its interesting, definitely.

Tubby Huffenstein: stevie is retarded and there are parts where he talks to friends about being in prison and getting protected by the aryan brotherhood.

Rivers and Tides

Montgomery Caubins: I really liked this, it’s a documentary about an artist who works only with materials found in nature, and his work is truly amazing. You guys would probably dismiss it as art fag shit though (or at least Tubby would).

Tubby Huffenstein: i dont know what the fuck this is, it sounds dumb, probably art fag shit.

Spellbound

Montgomery Caubins: A pretty good documentary about the kids who train for the national spelling bee. It doesn't make the parents out to be as big of assholes as I would have liked it do have done, but its interesting.

Tubby Huffenstein: is that the one where sandra bullock goes down on nicole kidman?

The Forgotten

Montgomery Caubins: I just saw this movie and I still don't know what to think. It's weird and the ending leaves you wondering some stuff, but Julianne Moore is in it and she is way hot.

Tubby Huffenstein: this movie is totally fucking worthless, julianne moore needs to get shot, and the dick from ER needs a haircut

White Noise

Montgomery Caubins: This is the biggest piece of shit that ever shitted. DO NOT PAY MONEY TO SEE THIS MOVIE

Tubby Huffenstein: this is the biggest piece of shit that ever shitted. DO NOT PAY MONEY TO SEE THIS MOVIE (I agree with this)

Unbreakable

Montgomery Caubins: This movie was OK at best. Definitely not the greatest work of M. Night Shyamalan. I just wanted to see it because I heard some things, and I like all his other movies, but I wouldn’t want to see it again.

Tubby Huffenstein: this movie probably has a typical m night faggot twist on it...who cares

The Day After Tomorrow

Montgomery Caubins: I thought this movie was ok

Tubby Huffenstein: emmy rossum is hot.

Requiem for a Scream

2005-04-25T15:25:00.000-04:00

The rangiest man-child of the many I’m acquainted presented me and others with the following survey. Herr Dreck’s answers were far and away the funniest, so I’ve included them to make the read more entertaining. Also, to give you a little perspective, the University of Hartford charges over thirty-four thousand dollars per year tuition.

Here is an additional totally useless novelty survey response about Ghosts, Angels, and Spirits

Age: 22
Gender: M
Race: Caucasoid
Religion: Thuggee

Please answer all of the following questions:

What is the first thing that comes to you mind when you hear the words angels, ghosts, and spirits?
Sega Super Ghouls and Ghosts and Castlevania.

What do you think an angel, ghost, or spirit is?
A high-powered EMP (electro-magnetic pulse) springing forth from a ley line deep in the earth's crust which manifests itself as a VLF (very low frequency) Linda Blair voice groaning in reverse ancient Aramaic which can be visualized only as a little white thumbprint smudge on a Polaroid picture.

Do you believe in angels, ghosts, and spirits?
Do you believe in life after love?

Where do you think angels, ghosts, and spirits exist?
Crypts, churchyards, abattoirs, mausoleums, catacombs, barrows, mineshafts, warehouses, ruined 6th century monasteries, that one house in Tariffville w/ the doll, the bowels of hell, lakes of sulphurous flame, in the outrageous and terrifying imagination of scaremaster H.P. Lovecraft!!!

Do you think angels, ghosts, and spirits hurt people?
Do you know what a spinetingler is? Ask Neil's mom.

Have you had any experiences with angels, ghosts, and spirits?
I experience feelings of dread in my basement and attic.

Do you know any stories about angels, ghosts, and spirits?
Tommyknockers.

Do you know any locations that are haunted?
That depends--haunted by what? I am haunted by bittersweet recollections of love lost just about everywhere I go. That, and the memory of _Requiem for the Dream_.

Does the idea of angels, ghosts, and spirits scare you?
Perhaps a song would say it best.

[Run] Nightmares (bad dreams) cannot be beat
It takes a brave man (to stand in defeat)
Must be the bravest (yo, the bravest and most)
You must be able to say, "I ain't afarid of no ghosts"
[DMC] A good sense of humor, is important to have
When a ghost tries to scare you (ha, don't make me laugh)
They be dustin off ghosts, like true ghost-dusters
[both] Go, go, go, go, ghoooooosstbusters!

Is there anything you want to share about angels, ghosts, and spirits that was not covered by the previous questions?
There is no additional comment. Only Zuul.

Cookie Swap (fan favorite)

2005-04-25T14:39:00.000-04:00

Wizard’s Note: An olde tyme e-mail exchange from December 2003. I’m a little embarrassed by how huge an asshole I come off in these letters, but it’s funny so whatever.

E-mail One from Cheryl Eades to ALL ARTIS:
Time to see if we have enough people interested in a cookie swap this year.
The concept is simple....you bake a large quantity of one type of cookie. Then you swap with the other participants so you end up with the same number of cookies, but now with lots of varieties.
The quantity of cookies is based upon the number of participants. Maximum is usually around 6 dozen. If we have a lot of participants, we can swap half dozens instead of full dozens. I will have a sign up sheet for you to indicate the type of cookie you would like to make. That way, we won't have duplicates.
I was thinking of having the swap on Monday, 12/22 or Tuesday 12/23. I realize that some people have Christmas week off, but the week prior just seems too early.

Here are the rules:
1. No store-bought cookies. You must make them.
2. Cookies only. No brownies, cakes, cupcakes, pies, breads. Bar cookies are OK.
3. The cookies must be wrapped in dozen or half dozen packages (whichever we decide to swap). This makes the swapping a lot easier.
4. If you make a commitment to participate, you must give notice (by Fri, 12/19), if you change your mind. It's not very nice to show up on the day of the cookie swap and say, "Oh, I decided not to bake."
5. You must share your recipe.....include a copy along with the cookies.
6. You will receive one package of cookies from each participant...If there's a variety that you don't prefer, you can swap with someone else later, but you're on your own for that.
7. No burnt cookies. If you burn them, please make another batch. The cookies need to be edible.

Please feel free to forward this email to anyone else who might want to participate. If you want to sign up, please email me your cookie choice and whether Monday 12/22 or Tuesday 12/23 is better for you. On the 17th, I will email the final cookie list and the quantity that you will need to bake.

Happy Holidays!
Cheryl

E-mail TWO from Cheryl Eades to ALL ARTIS:
Would any of you be interested in a Holiday Cookie Swap? I have 8 people so far but could use a few more.
The concept is simple....you bake a large quantity of one type of cookie. Then you swap with the other participants so you end up with the same number of cookies, but now with lots of varieties.
The quantity of cookies is based upon the number of participants. Maximum is usually around 6 dozen. If we have a lot of participants, we swap half dozens instead of full dozens.

Here are the rules:
1. No store-bought cookies. You must make them.
2. Cookies only. No brownies, cakes, cupcakes, pies, breads. Bar cookies are OK.
3. The cookies must be wrapped in dozen or half dozen packages (whichever we decide to swap). This makes the swapping a lot easier.
4. You must share your recipe.....include a copy along with the cookies.

The swap will take place on Monday 12/22--time to be announced. I will send out a list on Wed. 12/17 with everyone's cookie choice (so there won't be any duplicates) and how much you need to bake.

Happy Holidays!
Cheryl

E-mail THREE from WoG to Cheryl Eades:
Ms. Eades,
If I may, I have a few questions regarding the "Holiday Cookie Swap" that you are organizing.
It seems that some of the rules outlined in your original "Cookie Swap" e-mail have been omitted in the more recent "Cookie Swap" e-mail. Rules Four, Six, and Seven* of the original "Cookie Swap" invitation/format guide did not appear in the latter of the two "Cookie" correspondence. Will these rules still apply to the Swap?

I am most interested in rule six, as I only really enjoy three types of cookies**.
Further, would a "Rice Crispy Treat" be an acceptable contribution to the "Swap"?

Thanks for helping me clear this up!

Happy Holidays,
The Wizard of Gore
ext183

*4. If you make a commitment to participate, you must give notice (by Fri, 12/19), if you change your mind. It's not very nice to show up on the day of the cookie swap and say, "Oh, I decided not to bake."
6. You will receive one package of cookies from each participant...If there's a variety that you don't prefer, you can swap with someone else later, but you're on your own for that.
7. No burnt cookies. If you burn them, please make another batch. The cookies need to be edible.

**1. Oatmeal
2. Sugar
3. Ginger Snap

E-mail Four from Cheryl Eades to WoG:
Mr. Of Gore,
So many people were kidding me about "too many rules" that I decided to delete the more obvious things, although I will add Rule 4 to my email to the final list of participants. Rule 6 still applies. You get some of each kind of cookie.

Sorry, rice krispie treats, although very yummy, don't qualify as a cookie.
Thank you for your interest. Let me know if this will work for you.

Cheryl

E-mail Five from WoG to Cheryl Eades:
Ms. Eades,
I find it both shocking and disappointing that anyone would "kid" you about the "Holiday Cookie Swap" or any of the effort and thought that you have put into it. Clearly, the "Cookie Swap" rules were not designed to demean and/or patronize any of odd one hundred grown men and woman who received it. Rather, these rules were designed to assure the total success of this holiday event. What's more, it is only through rigid adherence to these rules that we can expect to have any fun at an event that could so easily go terribly wrong.

You'll have to forgive me, but I've overheard several people in my department snickering about these rules, and it really burns me up!

Anyone who takes the time to organize a fun and festive event like the "Cookie Swap" deserves our thanks and support.

So...
Thank you for organizing this "Cookie Swap", and thank you for getting back to me so promptly.
In closing, could I bring lemon bars if I wanted to, and am I allowed to participate if my mother makes the cookies (she is from Russia)?

Regards,
The Wizard of Gore
ext.183

E-mail Six from Cheryl Eades to WoG:
Mr. Of Gore,
Lemon Bars would be great, and it's certainly fine if your mother bakes. We don't have any rules about who bakes as long as the cookies are homemade. And yes, you're correct that the "Rules" were developed as a result of previous cookie swap disasters. I've learned that it's best to be as clear as possible to ensure maximum success with a minimum number of headaches.
Can you let me know by Wed. if you'd like to join us?

Thanks.
Cheryl

E-mail Seven from Cheryl Eades to WoG:
Mr. Of Gore,
Just wanted to mention that no one yet has signed up for oatmeal or sugar cookies so if you or your mother would like to bake one of your favorites, feel free. Cara is baking gingersnaps.

Cheryl

E-mail Eight from WoG to Cheryl Eades:
Ms. Eades,
It is with great regret that I must inform you; I will not be able to participate in the "Holiday Cookie Swap". Due to my extremely tight school/work schedule it would be almost impossible for me to find the time to bake cookies during this month.

Sadly, I can not bring myself to ask my mother to bake cookies either as she already has the tremendous burden of preparing our family's traditional Christmas salmon cakes and chocolate bars.

However, despite my inability to directly contribute I would like to offer my support and aid to your "Cookie Swap" in any way that I can.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

*One Thousand Sparkling Holiday Wishes to You*

Regards,
The Wizard of Gore

E-mail Nine from Cheryl Eades to WoG:
Mr. Of Gore,
Sorry you won't be able to participate. Thanks for letting me know.
Have a wonderful holiday.

Cheryl

E-mail Ten from WoG to Cheryl Eades:
Ms. Eades,
I am heartily sorry also. If there is even the smallest bit of help I could offer please do not hesitate to ask for it.

I would most certainly enjoy "pitching in" and/or "doing my part"
Have a Brilliant Holiday

Regards,
The Wizard of Gore

The Singles Scene

2005-04-25T14:21:00.000-04:00

Wizard's Note: This was originally written to post at Herr Dreck's blog last January; sadly he's criminally lazy, and it wasn't. Stay tuned for more on Chiller's Spring Home & Garden Bizarre early next week.

This Saturday past Steven and I swam the channel to New Jersey for fun, frights, fangs, fans, and titties at the Chiller Theatre Horror Enthusiast Weekend in East Rutherford. Was it totally radical? Nah Brah, not hardly.

The basement dwellers came incorrect at about half their usual attendance, leaving Steven and I to wonder, "doesn’t the guy who dresses like the Humungous have snow tires?" I guess not. Our disappointment with his absence was tempered by before unseen representation of the "unfuckable" caste in the way of three overweight Ghostbusters and a gargoyle sentinel who had traveled from a parallel dimension near Bayonne to prevent people from entering without wrist bands. There were, of course, a fair number of suicide girls selling tee shirts with unlicensed horror related graphics, which is cool if you’re into tattooed waifs [I heard that! –ed.].

Then there are the celebrities. I spotted Fangoria Magazine associate editor, and noted bicycle seat sniffer Mike Gingold wandering between the merch tables with a plastic shopping bag full of resin models. He urged me to buy some whack dvd that he appears in and I told him I’d think about it; you couldn’t invent a more breathtaking exchange if you tried, and it didn’t stop there. Steven and I thrilled as the dude who played Bub the zombie told us about how noisy the hotel was. We stargazed at the beautiful Gaylen Ross through her unsuccessful attempts to get me to pay her fifteen dollars for signing my Zombie Survival Guide, or better still when that prick Austin Stoker actually did get me to pay fifteen dollars for signing a copy of Assault on Precinct Thirteen.

How embarrassing it must be for Stoker and the other miserly notables. The pretense of acting as an art form vanishes awful quickly when the small group of people that admire your work enough to come see you at the Meadowlands Hilton are forced to pay for a quick snap or signature. It’s shameful that these actors would feel no compunction over taking money from the fans whose love transformed their amateurish turns in disposable films into cult legend.

Clearly, I am biter about the fifteen dollars. To ease the pain Steven and I levied a severe merch tax on the convention. Cat like speed and reflexes earned us six dvds, one book and a small bag of chips. The wounds are finally beginning to heal.

test post

2005-04-15T16:03:00.000-04:00

i've got a feeling we'll be best friends.